You know me. I guess it was inevitable that I'd not keep this private - my decision to "blog" shows it to be self-evidently true that I'm cr*p at keeping secrets.
But, as I have discovered, when something like cancer strikes many people choose not to "tell everyone"; preferring to rely on a close knit group of family and friends, while otherwise trying to be as normal as possible with the rest of their world - normal is good. Others such as me take a different approach, deciding it's best if everyone knows - after all., it's going to have the biggest impact on your life, and openness has to be (and this is only IMHO) the best approach.
I now see each to be equal. It is not about actions, it's about outcomes. And the outcome that is vital for me is "normal". I now see that, whichever Strategy(sic!) I had chosen, public or private, it would be judged against the Goal of carrying on. For me, "public" was right.
I now know with great clarity that - for me - "being normal" in spite of everything is proving to be vitally important (OK, three visits a week every other week to the clinic for chemo is not "normal"!). Put otherwise, when all this exploded at Christmas, my instinctive reaction was to stop so many things - things that, actually, continue to be a vital part of my life. That would have been a mistake.
So thank you for being part of my "normal" (even if some of this normality is virtual!)!
Footnote
I have belatedly realised that such dramatic, equally valid differences are evident in those on the receiving end - you. Some "embraced" the news with immediate empathy, sympathy and offers of support; while others needed time to process the shock, deciding more reflectively how to react.
In other words, I'm sorry. I now know that my ready-fire-aim style can be uncomfortable, and never more so than with something like this. I now know I need to be more empathic, matching my way-of-being more carefully to yours. As Diana says, I'll learn a lot on this journey...
I think it's really hard for everybody to hear that a close friend has such bad and unexpected news. I was afraid that my initial reaction (which was, frankly, to burst into tears) would have such a negative and unhelpful effect on you that it was terribly important to squash it hard and try to tough it out. I was glad to be on the phone, when you couldn't see me, rather than face to face, when I couldn't have really hidden my emotions. But now I think that maybe I woudn't have upset you so much, after all.
ReplyDeleteI imagine that some people, going through this, find that other people's reactions are sometimes very hard to take. They end up having to cope with other people's grief as well as whatever their own reactions may be.
I, for one, am very grateful that you are being so open. It helps me to know that I can be authentic in my responses to you, as opposed to deliberately regulating them so as not to seem to make matters worse. I don't think you should worry about matching your way of being to other people's expectations. Carry on being yourself. Anyway, I suspect you can do no other. :-)
With love,
G x